Friends, I have a confession to make. This past month, I had a whole lot of days where I didn’t want to be here. I missed my family, I missed being independent, I missed speaking English. I woke up a lot of mornings feeling like there was no point getting out of bed, because it wasn’t like I had a real schedule, I just studied and wandered around town, hoping someone would feel like talking to me. I found myself thinking about what I want to do when this is all over, and calculating how many more weeks I have to live in Mexico. I know that’s pretty much the last thing you’re supposed to do, especially when you’re feeling homesick, but I did it anyway. I wanted to leave.
Now, even though I was unhappy, I was determined to push through it. I would just keep on working, and I would MAKE myself enjoy it here. I am too proud and too stubborn to quit, so if I just kept going, I would get past the hard days, and then everything would be awesome and I would be happy. Well, I had a couple of good days, and thought I had succeeded in beating my cloudy mood. Nope. It was still hard. I felt confused, discouraged, and hopeless.
Well, yesterday Candace and I made the long, curvy drive down the mountain to do some much needed grocery shopping, and also to visit a church in the city. As it turned out, we happened to go on the weekend when the pastor was away at a conference, so another man was filling in for him. I was a bit disappointed that I wouldn’t be hearing the pastor speak, but my disappointment was quickly erased as I got caught up in the message that was being preached. He was talking about King Saul, and the way that he earned himself the disapproval of God. The man preaching shared the different ways that Saul displeased God, by following his own desires, and by acting out of his own strength rather than obeying and relying on God.
Dear friends, that was me. Yes, I had been reading my Bible, and praying, but not sincerely. I did it because it was what I was supposed to do, but it was just a surface-level action. In reality I just wanted to do what I thought was right, and what was most comfortable for me, rather than listening to what God said He wanted me to do. I was trying to do things out of my own strength, and I was falling terribly, horribly short. Instead of trusting in God to work in this community, I was overwhelming myself with worry and stress about what to do, who to talk to, where to go, how to manage my time, etc.
Praise God that He didn’t leave me to tear myself up like that anymore! He knew that I needed to hear that message yesterday, that I needed to be rebuked and made aware of how sinful and disobedient I had been. I have no guarantees that I won’t struggle anymore, in fact, I will probably struggle more than ever. But now I know who to rely on. I know the only One who will ever make a difference in this village, and their name definitely isn’t Ellen (or Elena). He is greater than all things, and I am overwhelmingly blessed to be able to call Him Father.
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