Oh goodness, what to write today. I’ve been trying to write something for several days now, but the problem is, I don’t really know what exactly it is I want to share. As you may have realized by now if you’ve read very many of my previous posts, I often write on here more for the sake of processing things that I am dealing with than for any other reason. That being said, I still want my posts to be worth the time that you spend reading them, so I'll try not to ramble too much :)
I guess what I’m trying to deal with at the moment is more just fighting against myself so that I can do the job God brought me here to do. To be honest, I don’t have a lot of specific responsibilities with this job. At the moment I am simply working to learn the language, and to get to know the people here. Not too complicated right? Somehow though, when I reach the end of each week and look back at how I spent the days, I find that I often managed to avoid spending very much time doing those exact things. Sure, I may have spent some time doing that, but I also spent plenty of time doing other things that really don’t matter, that are just for my own enjoyment or satisfaction.
I feel like Romans 7:18-20 pretty much describes my life right now. “For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it our. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.”
Have you ever found yourself in a similar situation? Any suggestions? One thing that really stuck with me that I first heard during my training back in April was that going on the mission field doesn’t make you suddenly better able to overcome things that you struggled with before, but instead it amplifies them. This is absolutely true. If you are someone who looks at missionaries and thinks that they must have this great spiritual life, and that they know all the perfect verses from the Bible for every difficult situation so that they can overcome any struggle, please understand that I say this with love, but you are absolutely wrong.
There is a reason that missionaries are always asking for your prayers. It is because we are messed up, struggling individuals who are just overflowing with faults, but God has chosen to call us out to live our lives in a different context, a different culture. As I mentioned before, Satan likes to use the different culture as a tool to amplify our personal temptations and struggles in order to keep us from the work that God has called us to do. I am so guilty of giving in to these temptations, but I know that “God will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear, but when you are tempted He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” Wow, I don’t deserve all that God is willing to do for me!
Friends, when you think of me, please remember how messed up I am. Please remember how much I need your prayers, and know that I pray for you often as well. We all are called to be on mission where we are, and how can we stay silent when God has done, and continues to do, so much for us?! Thank You Lord for who You are!
